That's Crazy - Overwhelming Ads for Underwhelming Products

 

Flying to and from Denver recently, we were looking for something to keep us occupied. There were no movies, no meals, no music and we finished our books. The crossword puzzles and Suduko had already been done. We picked up a copy of Sky Mall from the “seat back pocket in front of us” and began chuckling over the bizarre products ads we found.

We loved the ad for the Soma Wave Helmet ($79.95) which allows you to enter “a state of euphoria”, but not to be worn “while operating heavy machinery”. You can use it at your desk, on your commute or in front of the TV. As if?

A similar “helmet” product, the iGrow Hair Rejuvenation System ($695...yikes!) promises “thicker, fuller looking hair in weeks – guaranteed.” This is clinic-based, proven technology and since it's advertised in Sky Mall, it's got to be legit.

Moving right along, you can get a custom pet portrait canvas ($49) where your favorite cat or pooch is posed as a 17th century noble. Wow! There's also an option for Super Weiner Garden Sculpture ($39.95), i.e. a flying, red-caped, masked dachshund. Really?

Now we get to the more mundane offerings. “The World's First Suitcase That Kills Bed Bugs!”. We didn't know this was such a huge problem for road warriors, but evidently it is. The Thermal Strike suitcase reaches temps of 140ºF (60ºC) with its ultra-thin heating system and integrated electronics, then shuts off automatically. Evidently bed bugs toast with all that heat. Leading expert and bed bug entomologist, Richard Cooper, highly recommends this product. There was no option for bed bug carcass disposal once you've fried them all, but maybe we just didn't look far enough in the magazine. A matched set of this luggage will only set you back $709.

And finally, the ultimate in marketing “The Wordsmith's Manual Typewriter” ($199.95). Yes, a manual typewriter that “recalls the thoughtful, well-written correspondence of yesteryear. Devoid of technological crutches like spell-check and deletion … faithfully reproduces eclectic printed impressions ...variable kerning, subtly ghosted letters and nuanced baseline shifts...” Bravo! I was a marketeer in my past life and prided myself in selling the value/benefit aspects of any product, but this BS really goes over the top.

So my question to you ….do people actually buy this crazy stuff?

The Majesty of Trees

I think that I shall never see, a poem as lovely as a tree. -  Joyce Kilmer

It's the season of the year to marvel at trees blossoming, blooming and bursting into life. What a respite after a New England winter that wouldn't seem to quit. I arrived in February when the trees were bent over, heavy with snow and ice. It felt as if I'd spent two winters here instead of just the latter part of one. Lots of cold, snow, ice and gray, gloomy skies. Days when I was cold inside and out and couldn't seem to warm up. But now, at last, it's a whole different world. The trees are once again lush and green.

Here's some interesting tree trivia ... trees have been in existence on Earth for 370 million years ... give or take a millennium.

Some are so distinctive they have names like General Sherman and General Grant. Certainly the Giant Redwoods and Sequoias of California and the Pacific Northwest are a marvel to see. They're the tallest tree species in the world and they're absolutely majestic.

Girth-wise, the mighty kaori trees of New Zealand are on the superlatives list. We visited Te Matua Ngahere in the Waipoua Forest. Another named tree, this Father of the Forest according to the Maori translation is indeed, a very stout fellow.

New Zealand was also our first introduction to tree ferns that thrive so well there.

The oldest trees, the bristlecone pines, are located in North America and, to put their old age into perspective, some of the trees we saw were alive when the Egyptians were building the pyramids. That's pretty darned old.

On Easter Island, there are no native trees to speak of. Most were cut down during the time of the moai building and recent plantings have not replaced the original growth. Most other South Pacific islands we've visited have some of the same issues. Pitcairn's rosewood trees, for instance, are nearly gone, having been used for timber and never replenished. This is probably a small scale preview of what we can expect as a consequencesof the world's disappearing timberlands and rainforests.

According to Wikipedia, “trees have been venerated since time immemorial. To the ancient Celts, certain trees held special significance as providing fuel, building materials, ornamental objects and weaponry. Other cultures have similarly revered trees, often linking the lives and fortunes of individuals to them or using them as oracles.” There's the Tree of Knowledge and the Tree of Life and all sorts of mythological little wood nymphs and deities that inhabit trees.

We especially liked the arboles banderas in Chile. Translated literally as “flag trees”, they leave no doubt as to which way the prevailing winds blow.

My sister's backyard is thick with conifers and she calls it Camp Woodland. She's 20 minutes from Boston, but lives in what seems like the midst of a virtual forest. Her trees do not have names, but they certainly do have personality.

Stone Walls

“Something there is that doesn't love a wall...” from Mending Wall by Robert Frost

As we drive along the serpentine country roads of little towns in southeastern Massachusetts, I can't help noticing the plethora of stone walls that abound in the area. It only makes sense that the abundance of glacially strewn boulders and rocks should be moved out of the way and made into something useful, but there are just so many of them. What labor and sweat must have been involved in digging these up, hauling them and piling them into stone walls and fences.

Many older houses have fine stone retaining walls which are works of art and serve a good purpose. Most use mortar to hold them together. Heritage walls surround old cemeteries and burial grounds. But some dry stone walls which marked land boundaries in days past, continue for miles and miles along back roads or through now-dense forest, their reason for being long lost. I guess they provide good homes and hides for local critters.

The poison ivy seems to thrive over, under, around and through them. Moss grows thick as green velvet in their chinks and crevices and lichen covers their worn and weathered surfaces. I'm always amazed at tiny flowers that manage to thrive and poke out from the tiny cracks in the stonework. In some areas, the walls are dilapidated and the stones are scattered. Historically, mending walls was a springtime chore to repair any winter damage and insure land and animal boundaries remained sturdy and intact. These abandoned walls need mending, but who would bother to do such a thing nowadays in the middle of the woods?

My grandfather was a stoneworker … a mason ... as was my cousin. They had a feel for stone … how stones could be fit together and interlocked to withstand weather and time. He could eye a pile of stones and pick just the right one to be laid next. The ultimate masons were, without a doubt, the Incas. When we visited Machu Picchu, we marveled at the intricate stone work, fine craftsmanship of their walls and the immensity of the stone projects they completed without the aid of modern equipment or for that matter, the wheel!

We've talked of having a stone cottage one day with old rock walls on the property … near a pond maybe. So we can skim stones while telling the grandkids tall tales about our sailing adventures.